…anger…

I’m not a person of high negative passion. I’m just not. I’ve trained myself for years to keep things that are not creative or supportive out of my lexicon.

But i find myself angry. Really angry.

I can name it as part of grief. That’s a real thing. I recall the last time I was this angry at someone; it was when I lost my virginity at the age of 9. That’s a whole other story but for this emotion to be so strong is almost unbearable; it takes me to a cavern long ago abandoned in search of life’s goodness. Anger takes me to the dark side of my youth and I am really, really, really angry.

And I’m not good at it.
I want to cry and punch someone. I want someone to hold me while I lash out. I want to throw plates and drive 120 mph. I want to say all kinds of demeaning and pain evoking things. I want to get in someone’s face and, with really bad breath, scream until I have no voice left.

Inside, I think I am.
And here’s the thing.
I know that doing all of this is normal and lets go of the depth of my anger. But I also know it will make not one wit of difference to the outcomes, the situation, in which I find myself.

There is true evil in the world. It manifests in people. It manifests in thistles and spikes; it manifests in pain and anguish.
When people are evil, they are known for the pain they cause, the distance they plow between those who love. Evil in people manifests in an inability to own their behavior; to understand that their behaviors have ramifications they do not control and yet they are called to be aware of those ramifications. Evil people do not care about their part in the havoc they wreak.

My soul is deeply impacted…to the point of anger. Hot, seething lava that does not erupt…spurting out in small spaces, leaking into my eyes and melding into my heart, encasing the cultivated, the procured, the manicured and polished desire to always see the good in everyone…to see A good, at least A good, in every person.

I guess Judas had a role too. May they both end up with the same fate.

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