…we CAN be heroes…

A letter is prepared. Full stop, en pointe, letting my superiors know how their behavior has impacted me. Negatively. Undermining. Demeaning of my position.

I want so badly to send it straightaway! To inform them before they “assist” others in my position.

I want to confront and challenge them.

This letter is WRITTEN! Quite well, bravely, sharply, honestly.

 

(I need them, these “leaders,” as well.

They have a great deal to do with my next employment.

So I bide my time, awaiting the moment when I can “gift” them with my words.)

We CAN be heroes, (but to what end?).

…anger…

I’m not a person of high negative passion. I’m just not. I’ve trained myself for years to keep things that are not creative or supportive out of my lexicon.

But i find myself angry. Really angry.

I can name it as part of grief. That’s a real thing. I recall the last time I was this angry at someone; it was when I lost my virginity at the age of 9. That’s a whole other story but for this emotion to be so strong is almost unbearable; it takes me to a cavern long ago abandoned in search of life’s goodness. Anger takes me to the dark side of my youth and I am really, really, really angry.

And I’m not good at it.
I want to cry and punch someone. I want someone to hold me while I lash out. I want to throw plates and drive 120 mph. I want to say all kinds of demeaning and pain evoking things. I want to get in someone’s face and, with really bad breath, scream until I have no voice left.

Inside, I think I am.
And here’s the thing.
I know that doing all of this is normal and lets go of the depth of my anger. But I also know it will make not one wit of difference to the outcomes, the situation, in which I find myself.

There is true evil in the world. It manifests in people. It manifests in thistles and spikes; it manifests in pain and anguish.
When people are evil, they are known for the pain they cause, the distance they plow between those who love. Evil in people manifests in an inability to own their behavior; to understand that their behaviors have ramifications they do not control and yet they are called to be aware of those ramifications. Evil people do not care about their part in the havoc they wreak.

My soul is deeply impacted…to the point of anger. Hot, seething lava that does not erupt…spurting out in small spaces, leaking into my eyes and melding into my heart, encasing the cultivated, the procured, the manicured and polished desire to always see the good in everyone…to see A good, at least A good, in every person.

I guess Judas had a role too. May they both end up with the same fate.

… the crumpled paper and tinsel meant…

The crumpled paper and tinsel meant that time had come and gone.

The people were gone, the voices silent. All that remained was the echoing sensation that Presence was lingering. The tree was up, the eternal flame lit, but the hymns didn’t change, the hymnals half gone, the paraments out of season. .

The vast space was empty, save for the pregnant sensation, a lingering fullness. Light through the stained glass did not skimp on brilliance. Spirit past, Spirit present, Spirit future would not leave. It was not in God’s demeanor to abandon … anything. Despite human animosity, divine Peace remained; forever, the space was full.

Discernment: Day 4

My last, longer version of discernment was “objectively opening to an awareness of a path that was unforeseen and is clear with the factor of making sense.” I’m going to edit it to say, “Objectively opening to an awareness of a clear path that was unforeseen and makes sense.” Perhaps unforeseen doesn’t need to be included. But it is because it seems to fit with the mystery of discernment for me. At least, discernment in faith, spiritual discernment. Discernment of a call, discernment of a relationship and what to do next, discernment of discovering what to preach and how to walk with people in their multi-faceted lives.
Discernment.
To me this is a faith based word. So while I can discover and parse out the ideas given through dictionaries and seek clarity on what this word means, it can be a noun—something that encompasses a process. It can be a verb, the action of seeking an end result. It can be a form of an adjective as in “The discernment of the Council…”. But I think the key to discernment involves the faith needed to enter into the mystery of seeking to discover something unbidden, perhaps gifted through the clarity or epiphany of the Spirit of God offering a solution not previously in one’s awareness.
The faith that it takes to enter into a discerning character is one that is also, I believe, part of the faith gifted us in baptism. Discernment means listening to those around us, praying, opening and discovering God’s Word in the Bible, through hymnody, and simply being still in the world—all parts of the world—and offering the opening to God to fill our silence with God’s will.
Maybe that’s the bottom line of discernment. To discern is to discover God’s will, that which previously had been hidden, and now might be possible through awareness and trust in God’s desire for us to move toward that which was revealed.
Is objectively too hard and fast for this definition? Is it possible to objectively encounter God? Can one, without subjectivity, open to God’s presence and will?

Discernment: Day 3

Continuing in the last vein as I work to define in some manner what discernment is, Merriam Webster had this definition: the quality of being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure; an act of perceiving  and the ability to see and understand people, things, or situations clearly and intelligently.

With the Google definition parsed out, it then leads to the idea, of personal perception with out subjectivity allowing an unforeseen answer to arise. Merriam Webster seems to add that this ability is a quality, an innate sense that one has or doesn’t. After all, if you have a quality, a characteristic or feature that allows you to discern, that would imply that not everyone can or does discern. What is discerned, according to Merriam Webster, has a sense of clarity and intelligence. The discernment must hold value and make some sense.

So objectively opening to an awareness of a path that was unforeseen and is clear with the factor of making sense could be the long version of discernment.

Getting it.

Finding a way.

Knowing.

These are the short versions of discernment. And then there is the factor of faith. When one believes in God, we believe that this objectivity associated with discernment is the letting go of my will and allowing, seeking, and opening to God’s will.

and my five minutes is up.

Discernment: day 2

Today’s challenge for me is the five minute discourse on the definition discernment. Google defines it as : the ability to judge well or, in Christian contexts, perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding. Merriam Webster posits discernment as: the quality of  being able to grasp and comprehend what is obscure or an act of perceiving; the ability to see and understand people, things, and situations clearly and intelligently.

All of these are distinctly clear in a very vague way. 🙂 To discern seems to be to mete out an intelligent understanding when the way is unclear. If to discern is simply to judge well, there is no guess work, logic would define the recourse and discernment would simply be an exercise in logic. But I am a Christian, I believe that God is part of what I do and who I am and where I am to go. Therefore, it makes some sense that there is a mystical, mysterious quality to this action.

Perception in the absence of judgement with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding seems a daunting piece of work. Perception is my reality. The absence of judgment is difficult at best because to be objective, to not subjectively interact with that which is before me takes a restraint that comes from great discipline. So this first part of the definition, to use my understanding of reality without injecting my subjective awareness is what might only be attained through meditation, through non-anxious discourse, through a meta analysis that is atypical of our daily lives. Google goes on: with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding. This is the part where the real work comes. This definition means a listening for, a becoming aware of an answer perhaps not truly sought, a path not previously considered and a demeanor creatively offered by the lack of subjective perception.

….hhhmmm…

31 day writing challenge–on my own–day 1

I’m not very savvy on here. I like writing and I wanted to participate in the 31 days writing challenge but I don’t get making a button, creating a…well, it’s a thing that adds to your address so when folks click on it, the link is not to your homepage but to that specific portion of your home page. I understand all the concepts, but acting on them is quite different. So this month’s challenge for me will be private, I guess, and it will be on the topic of DISCERNMENT: Hearing the Call. Pretty deep, I guess, but for me, it’s where I am so, even if it means just putting this out there and not knowing if it’s read, I’m going for it.
My initial post, here, is one that is about discerning if I should or should not go ahead and attempt to do this challenge sans connection. I think most of us just want connection. People to hear, respond, argue, agree, laugh and cry, open and shut the pieces and parts of our lives. Even wanna-be writers. 🙂 So here’s the first five minutes of discernment. Yes, I’ll give this daily writing for five minutes a shot. Maybe the 5 minute thing isn’t this prompter, but if I add that in, I’m likely to stick with this.
I also can’t get this WORDPRESS box to add indentions and change fonts, so I’m really technically challenged! lol that’s ok. You get my ideas here. I’m just going to work on discernment: hearing the call and see where it takes me in a month. Let me know if you have thoughts on this idea and if you have expertise to actually connect me to the group. If not, I’ll just type here and pray that anyone who stumbles across this might be gracious and lift me as I seek to discern what is next from God . 🙂 Have a great day!

Her whole world seemed stormy, raging and whirling; she sat to meditate.
“Let it bluster!” she thought.
Her eyes closed in contemplation; the darkness of her inner being seemed mottled, swirling in a miasma of emotions.
Breath in…
Breath out…slowly the tension began to ebb,
the cacophony of thoughts hummed into harmonic softness.
Breath in…
Breath out… follow the breath…
Breath in… Slowly, deeply,
ingesting the calm of life…
Breath out…from her nose she exhaled the dark of control…
awareness began to open, light sifted through her…
heart giddy, her interior vision formed…Noah?…looked worried…
Breath in…
Breath out…
Breath in…

…but what will I write…

Today is heavy.
There is much to process but what will I write, actually? Gratefully, Thank God, I am not afraid, but saddened that hearts seek not to connect but seed anger, fear, discord. What is happening in the universe that creating, perpetuating pain is the answer for so many? Do we need to feel SOMETHING so deeply that we turn to sharp cuts of verbiage, hoping these cuts will sensate satiation? Bleeding one another grows desolation, destruction, death.
We are called to life. We are called to love. Please, humanity, seek love, truth in love. This day, grow compassion, joy, hope. Through Christ, Amen.

…the black dog walks alongside me…

I live in the Light
Light of love,
Light of hope,
Light of forgiveness,
Light of salvation,
Light of Christ.

Yet the Black Dog walks alongside me…
Rubbing me with fear
Panting into the air the smell of doubt
Nuzzling my pride
Fetching death
Collared, sinful desires.

Surrounded by Light,
vibrant heat burrows against me
permeated by Light
senses
assaulted
smells of desire
touch of want
hope of taste
yearning for fulfillment.

Throw a bone, scratch between the ears, beckon?
Turn toward the light, seek warmth of joy, hope, peace undemanding, undemanded?

The Dog is present darkness, physical, effusive
The Light ephemeral, Spiritual, transcendent
…which way today…

?

This post is in response to the prompt “…and the black dog walks alongside me…” found at Julia’s Place: musings of a retired but not retiring woman under the heading 100WCGU. I’m not good at putting in the link to her site, although I have tried!

Many years ago, I had a love who got into a terrific accident. He recounted later that in his chemically altered awareness, he had swerved to miss three large, black dogs.  The resulting accident left him with altered vision, massive scars and yet, he chose to return to his partying ways after about 8 weeks in intensive hospitalization, two 14 hours surgeries, two ten hour surgeries, and numerous other minor operations to restore his head to normalcy. May these dogs never be prominent in your life; may you seek the light rather than the shelter of your being’s lusty, thirsty callings which can never fill you.

It’s a daily struggle for many. God be with you.